Demons and Rewards
by Nora-HBS-Girl
Summary: Dr. Stacy Barton has Demons-Deep and painful demons...and they haunt her very existence. Will she ever find a silver lining after so much pain? AU, and Includes two AU characters.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

_"You're going to pay for flaunting your body around like candy." _

_"No, No please…don't do this…I'm…I'm a virgin." _

_"Oh so you just like to tease without the follow through…I'll give you follow through all right." _

_The knife was at her throat as he forced her onto the cold ground behind the bushes. When she screamed, he took the handkerchief that smelled like booze and stuffed it in her mouth. He cut her clothes open with the knife as she fought him. At one point he had taken off his belt and whipped her with it…whipped her until she was black and blue. _

_"That will teach you," he said._

_She stopped fighting then. She stopped feeling anything when he forced his erection into her. It hurt so bad she willed herself to be somewhere else…anywhere else. He continued to hold her down as he rammed into her even harder. She tried to focus on thinking of something happy but the pain of his penis ripping apart her vagina made her cough up blood. He hit her then. He hit her so hard she passed out. She thought that would be it but she was wrong. When she opened her eyes, he had the knife at her throat again…_

_"Don't scream sweetheart…Don't scream and I won't kill you." _

_He stuffed the handkerchief in her mouth so that when she needed to throw up, the only place it could go was back down her throat…and then he raped her again and again until she lost consciousness…until her roommate Brooke had found her bloodied and bruised the next morning…close to death. She had physically survived the assaults but emotionally she hadn't. In some ways she wondered if she ever would._

Stacy snapped out of her flashback and went to pour herself a cup of water. She felt her mouth go dry then. It had been almost 25 years to the date and yet she could still see it like it was yesterday…still feel it like a dagger to the heart…she was damaged…so damaged that she just couldn't get herself to trust in a man…she had tried to a few times but the relationship always blew up in her face…they just couldn't handle damaged goods…and maybe that was for the best…she had all she needed in her daughter Autumn.

She looked at the picture of the daughter she loved…the daughter she hadn't seen in years… and she felt the fresh tears burn in her eyes. Maybe she wasn't meant to have anything really good in her life…she always managed to screw it up.

"Mom…?"

She felt warmth run through her when she heard her daughter's voice echo through the apartment she shared with Katie Logan._ Could this really be happening…had her little girl come back to her? _

"Autumn…baby it's good to see you."

There was friction in the air as Autumn paused and studied her…like she was trying to figure out if she could trust her…but then she had gone to her and pulled her into a tense hug.

"You too mom…You too."

_What did you say to a person you hadn't spoken to in over a decade…there was so much to say and yet so little?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Stacy was almost afraid to hope that her daughter was here to stay. She had tried to be a good mother to her but it seemed that she had messed up at every turn. The last time she had seen her, she had stormed out of her apartment with angry words on her lips. It still made her tense when she thought about it because she hadn't changed her mind and she doubted that Autumn had changed hers…where did that leave them…at an uncomfortable stalemate?

_"Are you seriously forbidding me to find my father…?" _

_"You are fifteen years old and you know nothing about what kind of man your father is...you bet I'm forbidding it." _

_"But you're the one who won't LET me know him…" _

_"This is for your own good Autumn…maybe some day when you are old enough to understand…you will know why I kept you away…" _

_"I'm old enough now…and I will never forgive you for denying me that right…" _

_"I'd rather have you hate me and have you alive then give you what you want and have to identify your body…Don't you dare do this to me Autumn…I love you enough to care if you live to see your next birthday." _

_"Don't pretend this is for me…you just want to control every aspect of my life…"_

_"That's not what I'm doing…I'm trying to protect you damn it…" _

_"Maybe the person I need to be protected from is you." _

That was it. That was the last time she had see her daughter. She had woken up the next morning to a note.

_Dear mom, _

_I'm sorry but I can't live with you another second. If you are going to keep me from knowing my father then I'd rather live anywhere but here. Please don't look for me. You'll never find me. I love you but I can't forgive you. Goodbye, Autumn. _

Autumn had been right…she had never been able to find her. She had spent years searching for her and just as long trying to fill the empty space in her heart. She hadn't seen or heard from her daughter in eleven years…now she was almost twenty six and she knew next to nothing about her.

"I'm sorry for the way we left things," Stacy said. "I hope you know there wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't thinking about you. You might not agree with the way I did things but I always loved you. I still do."

"I know you love me mom but that's not enough. I need to know where I come from."

"Is that where you've been all these years…Have you been with your father?"

"I wish I had been…"

Stacy turned away then…Trying to will back a flow of tears that filled her eyes and not being very successful.

"That's not what I meant. I just mean that I wish I had found him."

"So that's it then…everything I ever did for you is just null and void because you need your daddy…tell me something Autumn…what are you going to do when you find your father and you realize that this romanticized image is just that…an image…are you going to be able to handle what he is…because he is _not_ misunderstood and I _didn'_t overly exaggerate who he is…I don't want to fight with you but…but giving you his DNA does_ not_ make you his daughter…"

"Because you didn't allow him to be…"

"No…because he would have hurt you just as badly as he hurt me and everything else that he touched…because everything he touched DID turn to ashes…I wasn't about to let that happen to you…"

"If you hate him so much then why did you ever sleep with him…?"

_Stacy remembered the day that she had learned that she was pregnant with Autumn…she hadn't been that much younger then she is now…and she remembered feeling as if the rug had been pulled out from under her once again…_

_She had been sitting in an exam room with her roommate Brooke Logan…the only person she had told about the attack and only because she had found her. She had wanted to forget that the whole experience had ever happened…she needed to… her parents had died years ago and…and her twin sister was…she couldn't talk about her sister…it was as painful as this was…she would have been able to just put everything behind her if it hadn't been for the words of the doctor…_

_"Stacy you're pregnant…Congratulations." _

_Congratulations…that was the worst day of her life…or at least it had been back then…because back then she was a freshman in college without a single person who could help her financially…she was barely able to pay for her schooling…and now…now she would be an unwed mother who everyone would point fingers at and label as the school letdown… the slut on campus…they didn't know the truth…they didn't know that she had been left pregnant from a vicious rape…_

Stacy blinked back tears as she looked at her daughter. She had spent years trying to prevent her from ever ending up in this place. But maybe it didn't matter. It didn't seem to matter what she had done in the past…it had always been wrong. She had lived with a living, breathing reminder of what she had suffered through by giving birth to Autumn…she had sacrificed a lot of her hopes and dreams in order to give her daughter a good life…and in the end, her love wasn't enough…it was her daddy that she wanted.

"I wish I could give you what you want Autumn but I'm not your dad…I'm just the woman who gave birth to you…the mother who has spent years trying to find out where you were because she would turn on the news half expecting to find you lying dead in a gutter somewhere…I am not perfect and I've made plenty of mistakes but being your mother wasn't one of them…I can't apologize for the decisions I made to protect you…I won't ever apologize for loving you that much."

"So basically nothing has changed. I came here half expecting that things would be different after all these years."

"I'm sorry you wasted a trip then."

"Mom…mom, why…Why are you shutting me out…Why won't you tell me why you don't want me to know my father…?"

"Because I can't…because saying it out loud makes it real…and because you're my daughter…I don't want you to have to deal with that kind of shame."

"What kind of shame…if you don't want to tell me who my father is then fine…at least tell me what you don't want me to know?"

"Autumn please…it would be better for everyone if you could just walk away…"

"It's not better for me…I'm almost twenty six years old…don't you think I can handle the truth…Or are you still trying to baby me even now?"

_"Damn it Autumn…I was never trying to baby you…I didn't want you to know that your father was a cold blooded rapist…"_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Stacy's hands shook as she said the words. She hadn't really meant to tell her daughter like that…in truth, she hadn't meant to tell her at all. This was a part of her past that she had never talked about… a part that had shaped her in the worst way imaginable.

"Autumn…Autumn, Wait…"

"I can't believe you would do this now…Is this really the best you could think of…?"

"_What…you think I'm lying…why would I do that_…?"

"I…I don't know…but it can't be true…It just…It can't."

"It's true_…I_ was there Autumn…_I'm_ the one it happened to…and I was not that much younger then you…I had lost everything then…My parents had died in a car crash…I was left to care for my twin sister Addison…I was 15 then Autumn…and my whole life changed…and then…then Addie needed a heart transplant…I did everything I could to save her…but it wasn't enough…I let my parents down…I lost my best friend…my twin…can you just imagine for a second what kind of pain that would cause someone…someone who wasn't even an adult yet…"

"I'm…I didn't even know that you had a sister…"

"Of course you didn't…because I shut off that part of my life for so long that it became habit. I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me…I'm telling you because it explains my frame of mind then. After Addie died, I was determined to become a doctor…I thought maybe if I could do that then I would be able to make up for letting everyone down. As it turns out, I couldn't even get that right…"

"What are you talking about…you did become a doctor…You're a brilliant therapist I hear."

"That's not what I wanted to be when I enrolled in school…but one walk in the park late at night derailed my plans forever. I almost died that night autumn…he held me down and dragged me into the bushes…he had a knife…he slashed off my clothes with a knife…"

"I don't want to hear this…"

"You wanted to know…Now I'm telling you…I don't want you around your father because he's a dangerous rapist…he raped me in the bushes as he held a knife to my throat and then he did it again and again until eventually I passed out. That's the only reason he stopped…and then he just left me there to die…I would have too…if my roommate hadn't found me. That is the Gods honest truth about your dear old dad…and everything else you probably didn't ask for."

"Why should I believe you now…why, after all the lies…"

"Maybe you shouldn't…maybe you have to believe that your father is some kind of hero…maybe you'll never believe that I did the best I could…but that's your choice…I love you Autumn…everything I have ever done has been out of that love…but if that's not enough…I can't offer you more then I am…"

She walked over to the counter and pulled out a phone book…"Call the doctor who treated me when I was brought in. His son works at the hospital now. They have a good reputation Autumn. They wouldn't lie to you."

She left Autumn alone with the phone book as she shut the door and got into her car. She let the tears come then. She needed to get away from this pain for a little while. There had been a reason she had closed herself off from everyone since that day…she hadn't wanted them to react like Autumn did…she had been rejected all her life…lost everyone she ever loved…and now she was losing her daughter for a second time…how could she ever open herself up to love when everyone she ever gave even a part of her heart to had just up and left her?

_What was it about her that made love so elusive…she was beginning to think she would never have even a fraction of it._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

She couldn't have been sure how long she sat in her car with her head against her steering wheel crying but she knew with certainty the moment it had passed. Her body felt like it would give out at any moment as she shook from the complete and utter pain. She walked into the bar and ordered a glass of what she was pretty sure was the strongest drink she had ever touched…she didn't drink much…couldn't in her profession…but tonight she was laying everything on the line…

Just as she had downed the whole glass and ordered another, someone had slipped into the seat beside her. She forced a smile as she looked at him. His name was Morgan Scott and he was one of her best friends in the entire world…they had practically grown up together and she would trust him with her life… she couldn't say that about too many people…she had simply learned that life in general was nothing but letdowns.

"Did Autumn call you," she asked?

"She did Stace…and I…I thought you might be able to use a friend…a real friend…not someone who is only there when they need your help…"

"You mean Brooke don't you?"

"You've been going through hell for as long as I have known you…but where has your so called friend been all these years?"

"She's…she's had trouble of her own you known?"

"Not like you…not like you Stacy Barton…nobody has been through more then you…you've been through enough pain to last two lifetimes and yet you always…you always seem to land on your feet…because you think you have to…Because it's all you have ever known…"

"What choice do I have Morgan…I don't have the option to just lie down and die…I'd be letting him win then wouldn't I?"

"How do you do that…how do you always seem to act like you're not hurting…Stacy, you don't have to pretend with me…I was there when Brooke brought you in…I saw what that animal did to you…I also saw how you reacted…"

"I can't…I can't go there again Morgan…I can't lose my way…I've worked too hard for this life…for my sanity…"

"And that's why you chose to be a sex therapist isn't it…you chose the thing you were most afraid of…because maybe by helping other's, you could find some healing for yourself…Isn't that right Stace?"

"Who's the therapist now Morgan?"

"Autumn will come around…she'll see all the sacrifices you made for her…?"

"Maybe…but what do I do in the meantime…what do I do now that…"

Her words had cut off as she tried to force the lump in her throat away…Morgan took one look at her and knew she was afraid…something about her was fragile.

"Now that he's out of prison…Stace…has he been in contact with you…has he…has he hurt you?"

"I…I have to go…"

She gathered her purse and was headed for the door but she had lost her balance…Morgan knelt down beside her and helped her up…never in his life had he seen Stacy drunk but he had a feeling she was on her way there…

"You can't be alone tonight Stace…not when you're three sheets to the wind…"

"I'm not…Morgan I'm not drunk…"

"Not but you're on your way there…I can't in good conscience, let someone I care about put themselves in more danger willingly…"

"Nobody_ lets _me do anything…not anymore…I will never again be that vulnerable"

She turned on her heel and walked off and he followed her…she was crying when she reached her car and when she was fumbling through her purse, Morgan had discovered a heartbreaking secret in the bruises that lined her shoulders…

"Did he do this to you…did that bastard beat you up again… Did he rape you again….I swear Stace…If he's hurt you…"

"Leave it alone Morgan…It's not important…"

_"The hell it's not_…If someone is hurting you then I want to know about it…so I can send them to the ugliest corner of hell…"

"If you don't drop this then…Please Morgan…The only thing I care about is keeping my little girl safe…away from her father…nothing else matters…I'm okay…I _have_ to be okay…how else can I be of any use?"

She opened the car door to get inside but her hands were shaking and she dropped her purse…Morgan kneeled down to help her pick it up before she could stop him…He held up the hand gun among her possessions…

"If you are so okay, then what are you doing with a gun…Stacy please…please tell me you are not planning on adding murder to your impressive resume?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

She knew that if she looked at him, she would crumble. She had spent too many years pushing him away because it was easier than disappointing him…and she would always disappoint him…she had disappointed and failed everyone in her life…she couldn't afford to make that mistake again…

"Morgan please…please just let me go…pretend that you never saw what you did…"

"You know I can't do that…you know that I care way too much."

"Don't…Don't care…You're wasting your time with me…all I ever do is fail…I failed my parents…I failed my sister…I will not fail my daughter…"

"Why are you so determined to do penance for things that just weren't in your control…sometimes bad things just happen to good people…there is no understanding Stace…"

"Maybe that works for you Morgan…but not for me…I know that bad things happen every day and under certain circumstances, I might even be able to believe your reasoning but not with this…bad things don't keep happening…not without some level of retribution…maybe I'm not the person you think I am…maybe I never was…"

"That's bull shit and you know it…"

"The only thing I know is that beyond anything, I am Autumns mother…I gave birth to her when nobody in the world understood…there were still people who didn't believe that I was raped…not when the boy that raped me was a football player…so I grew up with very little friends…I was deemed the slut of the high school…and you know what…I don't even care…people believe what they want…you can't change their minds…"

"So what…you're just going to _accept_ that barbaric load of crap…when we both know that no matter what you say, it hurt…it hurt you to be outcast like that when you were the victim…"

"I am _nobody's_ Victim…I wasn't then…and I'm not now…Don't worry about me Morgan…this gun…it's only for protection…for mine, for Autumns…and…"

"And what Stacy…who else are you trying to protect?"

"Nobody…Nobody okay…Just…Just, leave it alone…please just leave me alone…"

He stupidly grabbed her by the arm in an effort to get her to see reason…and she had clocked him in the face…"_Nobody puts their hands on me…not again…not ever again…" _

Her hands were shaking when she picked up the remainder of her purse and got inside, locking the door. She was so distraught that she had left without the gun. Morgan got up just in time to see her tear streaked face as she drove away. "_You Idiot," Morgan cursed himself, as he picked up her gun and walked to his car. "What kind of moron touches a rape victim like that? You stupid, stupid fool."_

* * *

Stacy walked into the apartment and had every intention of having another lonely TV dinner but her roommate had surprised her with her favorite take out meal and a good movie.

"My God Stace, what happened," Katie asked concerned? The bruises on her arms were becoming harder and harder to conceal. She didn't know if she had the strength to lie anymore.

"Can we not talk about it tonight Katie…Please…?"

"If someone's hurting you…"

"I've been hurting for most of my life…I've tried to fight but…but you can't…you can't fight someone who knows your weakness…I have one weakness Katie…I'm a mother and I will do anything to protect her…my daughter might hate me but I will die before I let that bastard rape her too…_nobody is touching my little girl…nobody._."

Her knees gave out then as tears overcame her…pain shot through every bone and made her weak again_…why was she always so weak…why couldn't she ever prevail?_ She was in Katie's arms as her so carefully constructed strength could no longer keep her composed…and for a moment… as Katie stroked her hair and soothed her with the words…_"You are not alone…you will never be alone again_," she felt like she was looking at her twin sister…her parents…everyone she had ever loved and lost...

"_I'm so sorry…I'm sorry I couldn't protect you…you needed a heart and I failed you…just like I failed mom and dad after the car crash…why wasn't it enough…why wasn't anything ever enough…you left me all alone…you made me incapable of ever loving again…how could I ever love when everyone I love leaves…everyone I love dies right in front of me…I can't do it…I can't watch another person I love die in my arms…I'm not that strong…Damn it why does everyone always leave me…what's wrong with me…what is so fucking wrong with me?" _

"Nothing is wrong with you Stace…nothing…not one single thing…"

She barely registered Katie's voice…she only knew the pain she felt was so great she wanted to die. She spent her career helping people see that there was a better way then death…but now…now, as she was cowering in Katie's arms like a scared little girl, she got it…she understood the desperateness of wanting to end the pain permanently…she wanted it to end right now…_God how she wished she had that gun_…


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Somewhere between the midnight hours and dawn, Stacy had woken from her nightmares and made her way into the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror and removed her clothing. She stared at the bruises and scars still left on her body...and the new ones. Would there ever come a time when she was free? She closed her eyes and thought of the ever present nightmare as she lost her dinner in the toilet.

_"Oh Stace...you've been so naughty...I'm going to have to punish you..." _

_"No...Stay back...Stay away from me...," she yelled it, as she ran for the door. He was too fast. He grabbed her by the arm, tossed her on the bed. _

_"You aren't going anywhere darling...not until I make you pay..." _

_"Leave me alone," she cried. "Please just leave me alone." _

_His hand had come over her mouth then. "The last thing I will do is leave you alone...I'm going t make you bleed." _

_Her tears had dried when she felt his hand against her cheek. He hit her so hard she nearly passed out from the pain. It hurt too bad to cry anymore. The next thing she remembered was his hands up her ass and his penis pushing into her so hard she thought she would die. _

_"How does that feel baby...?" When she couldn't find her voice, he slammed into her harder and deeper...raping her again and again as she shuddered against him, afraid for her life. He made her beg for her life...made her tell him she liked it...and then he emptied his semen in her throat as he pushed into her again and again...until she could no longer stand the pain and she passed out. He covered her bloody body with the sheet as he emptied the rest of his semen into her vagina as he continued to pump into her while she was out of it...she was unconscious but she could feel the pain of him inside her...ripping her insides apart little by little. When he finally left, she just lay there motionless...curled into a tiny ball, sobbing once again for the loss of her innocence._

She heard the rapping on the bedroom window and was tempted to ignore it but she hadn't wanted to wake Katie so she put her clothes on and went back to the bedroom. She was grateful for the interruption from her nightmares but she still didn't want to talk to anyone. Morgan wouldn't listen. He was standing on a ladder holding a red rose, threatening to start serenading her until she let him in. She opened the window and he climbed inside.

"I'm sorry," he said, as he handed her the rose. "I know what you've been through and I shouldn't have pushed."

"You don't have to do this Morgan. Really you don't."

"I do...because I care about you...and because I'm worried about you. I know that you've been hurt. I have my suspicions about who but I won't push. "

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet. I'm not letting you out of my site."

"Morgan this is ridiculous. You can't watch over me 24/7."

"Watch me. Throw me a pillow or I'll just climb into bed with you. You know I will too."

"Fine," she grumbled, as she threw the pillow a little harder then she intended. "Nice aim," he said, as he settled in at the foot of her bed. Stacy sighed and climbed back into bed. _How would she ever be able to do this with him here?_

* * *

Autumn checked herself into a motel. She wasn't quite ready to deal with her mother. It was obvious that maybe they needed two completely different things in life. She understood her mother's need to protect her and maybe on some level, she even loved her for it…but she couldn't quite accept the lengths she had gone for that. She wanted to know her father…no scratch that…needed to know her father…It wasn't that she wanted to completely obliterate everything her mother had given her…she just needed to know where she came from…except somehow by pursuing these questions, she had lost even more of her mother…

She looked at the picture of them taken in happier times…back before she was old enough to wonder why her father wasn't there…and she longed for those moments again…moments where they could simply be…moments where the threat of a nameless man and her mother's instability weren't constantly looming over them. _What if she pushed her mother back to that darkness, she thought? What if she was already there?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Part Seven**

Morgan had spent half the night watching her…so he wasn't at all surprised when he saw her climb out of bed. She would usually be awoken this time of night for a run to the bathroom…except this time, she could barely walk. He shot up like lightning when he heard her quiet whimpering in the darkness just before clutching her stomach and falling to the ground.

"Stace…Stace, what is it, he asked in concern?

"It hurts…it hurts so bad, "she cried. He picked her up and carried her out the room. He told Katie he was taking her to the hospital and to please alert her daughter.

* * *

Autumn had been tossing and turning in the hotel when she got the call. Her mother was being rushed to the hospital. She didn't have many details, but she couldn't let her go through this alone, no matter what they were now. Without thinking, she grabbed the little pink bunny she had given her when she was born. Maybe it would give them both some peace of mind.

* * *

Katie, Autumn and Morgan were pacing the hospital corridors a little while later. They all loved her in different ways. They all were determined to make things better for her if they could. Finally the doctor walked out. They could feel their hearts stop as they witnessed the grim looks on his face.

"Is something wrong…is something wrong with my mother," Autumn demanded?

"She's sick I'm afraid…Autumn she's very sick…she has a disease called Gonorrhea…if it's not treated, she could have serious complications…and she could lose her ability to carry any more children."

"Then fix it…can't you fix her…isn't that your job?"

"Things are a lot worse then that now…there are unforeseen obstacles…"

"Like what," Morgan asked?

"She's pregnant…"

"Oh God, it's happening again," Morgan cried. "That monster left her pregnant once again."

"What do you mean…are you saying my mom was…"

"Autumn I'm sorry…I know you want to believe the best about your father…but there is no good in him…he's a monster…she's pregnant because he raped her again…he's been using her for target practice sweetheart."

"But I…why didn't she tell me…when I attacked her, she didn't say anything…"

"Because she loves you more then anything…the reason she was raped again was to protect you…she didn't fight him when he attacked her because she wanted to prevent it from happening to you…she loved you that much."

"I…I have to see her…take me to my mother."

The doctor led Autumn away and Morgan could no longer avoid the pain in his heart. "I don't know how I'm going to tell her this…she's hanging by a thread Katie…I can't lose her again."

"You're in love with her aren't you?"

* * *

Autumn let the tears fall as she sat at her mother's bedside and held her hand. "I'm sorry Momma. I'm so sorry."


End file.
